Selfishness is Key

This week was in some ways an extension of last week but in other ways it was not. It did involve many of the same components of last week: the rush to complete the original work, the apprehension of the upcoming research presentation night, and excitement of showing everyone why I chose to be part of ISM in the first place. But in otherway, I think I was forced to think beyond this week and understand my how I myself might affect my work.

Upon working on my original work, I began to question if I belonged the field of medicine. I don't personally feel like I fit the stereotypical personality that is attributed to surgeons, especially in pediatrics. I sometimes wonder if I am too selfish to be in the field. I love helping children, but I don't truly believe that was the main cause for my desire to study pediatric surgery. To me, I was always more drawn to surgery aspect and just the biological aspect than the ethical aspect, which differs from many of the surgeons I’ve spoken to. I also don't think I am a perfectionist like many surgeons are, but in medicine even one mistake or misplaced action can take away a life. In fact, going based off of the stereotypical qualities of a surgeon, I see myself in very few of them. While working on my original work, I started seeing how much suffering just a simple single gene abnormality can on not just one person, but an entire bloodline. And I started realizing that rather than seeing what pediatric surgery can do for me, I need to see what I can contribute to the patients. The field itself is highly altruistic and self sacrificing. But I think so far I’ve been very selfish for why I wanted to go into the field. I wanted to do surgery because I think it is fascinating, I wanted to study biology because I was good at it and it is interesting, I wanted to be the one to discover new solutions and save lives because I want acclaim to my name. But I forgot to think of the patients and if I’m truly the best match for them itself.

Working on my original work truly opened my eyes to my own selfishness in the field. I am surprised it took me this long to understand this “selfish” aspect of my dream to be a pediatric surgeon , but it has changed my views completely. I do not think I should be a pediatric surgeon if I do not focus on the children first. That is not to say I am giving up on my dreams now. I believe that self awareness can create positive changes in perspective in anyone and I am still young, so I know my mentality will change. Refocusing on the ethical aspect of pediatric surgery likely will come easier now that I see what has blocked me in the past and since I already have the passion for the field and I do care for people. However, adjusting my goals to make helping people rather than just surgery the priority will continue to be a mindset to remind myself in the following week